There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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