I'm sorry my penis didn't work
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
