the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
this boner is exhausting
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
