By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
