Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
