Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
