I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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