He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
