he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My vagina is very pro this idea
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