the day after is always just damage control
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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