So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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