I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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