I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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