Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
