I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize