I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
