Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
