Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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