He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
