Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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