I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
