I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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