I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
