My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
