She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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