Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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