i need an iv and a liver transplant
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
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