The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
