You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
