Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
