I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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