I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
