I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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