I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
