Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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