You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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