1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
