I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
