You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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