he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
