Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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