Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
