my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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