dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
