True but thats because hes a fetus.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Vodka?
Forever.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
