I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
