Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
