So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
