So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
