I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
