we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize