I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
