Acid is not a monday night drug
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
