just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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