Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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