he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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