Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
