It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
