Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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